The Phantom Yoga Farter.
Tues 26
Boo Hoo - Goa holiday cancelled. Well not cancelled exactly. We just decided that we are not going to GOA coz its too expensive.
Looking at Cyprus now, which is good, but its not GOA is it? Oh well, maybe next year.
Wed 27
Went to yoga as usual. Anyone who goes to yoga will know that you have to practice Ujiya (spelling??) breathing. Which is breathing through your nose, trying to kind of make a rumbling noise by tickling the back of your throat. Apparently if you get it right and tickle the back of your throat in the right place with your breath then it has a calming and rejuvenating effect. I haven’t found that special place yet. But then that’s probably coz my nose is broken and I can only breathe through one nostril.
I do Ashtanga yoga which is a moving meditation and you do the yoga postures following the rhythm of your breathing.
Sounds easy enough.
Until the night of the phantom yoga farter.
Do you know how hard is it to breathe through your nose and try and get your body into positions that are very unnatural for bodies to be in, when all you can smell is rotten cabbages? Very old rotten cabbage and lots of it.
I wasn’t sure if it was the girl beside me on in front of me. But the girl beside me must have thought it was me coz she kept looking at me and was obviously struggling not to breathe in either.
I nearly choked, between trying not to breathe in, trying not to go into hysterics and trying to do a body wrap. Which means you have to lunge and put one arm through your bent leg, put the other arm wrapped round your body and somehow clasp your hands together, then open out your chest, balance so you don’t fall over and then look up.
I can usually do it, just, although I feel like my ribs are going to break because my jelly belly gets in the way, but there was no way in hell I was going to reach that clasp tonight if I couldn’t fill my lungs with any air.
My God, what had she eaten? She seriously needs to do a few more plough posture moves and get her digestion going.
I thought only boys that drank lots of lager could make smells like that.
And the smell wouldn’t go away. It lingered in the air for what felt like forever when you can't breathe.
I’m sure fart particles must have landed on me. I could even taste it.
Finally about two moves later it was safe to breathe again. If she went home and played ovens with her husband he would get toxic poisoning.
Class was just about over and OH MY GOD another one. I couldn’t contain myself this time and the giggle monster in me took over. Relaxation time was coming so I knew I had to pull myself together before then.
I was trying to blow the air round about me to distribute the thickness of fart air but it didn’t seem to work. All that happened was I blew it back to the girl that thought I was doing it in the first place.
I made a mental note to text Sacha, the teacher, and tell her it wasn’t me. She warned us about air pockets and fanny farting the week before when we were standing on our heads, she never warned us about the bum burps when we were the right way up too.
Seriously, you have to leave all pride at the door when you go to yoga.
Never mind, I will be able to kiss my own ass soon so it will all be worth it.
Boo Hoo - Goa holiday cancelled. Well not cancelled exactly. We just decided that we are not going to GOA coz its too expensive.
Looking at Cyprus now, which is good, but its not GOA is it? Oh well, maybe next year.
Wed 27
Went to yoga as usual. Anyone who goes to yoga will know that you have to practice Ujiya (spelling??) breathing. Which is breathing through your nose, trying to kind of make a rumbling noise by tickling the back of your throat. Apparently if you get it right and tickle the back of your throat in the right place with your breath then it has a calming and rejuvenating effect. I haven’t found that special place yet. But then that’s probably coz my nose is broken and I can only breathe through one nostril.
I do Ashtanga yoga which is a moving meditation and you do the yoga postures following the rhythm of your breathing.
Sounds easy enough.
Until the night of the phantom yoga farter.
Do you know how hard is it to breathe through your nose and try and get your body into positions that are very unnatural for bodies to be in, when all you can smell is rotten cabbages? Very old rotten cabbage and lots of it.
I wasn’t sure if it was the girl beside me on in front of me. But the girl beside me must have thought it was me coz she kept looking at me and was obviously struggling not to breathe in either.
I nearly choked, between trying not to breathe in, trying not to go into hysterics and trying to do a body wrap. Which means you have to lunge and put one arm through your bent leg, put the other arm wrapped round your body and somehow clasp your hands together, then open out your chest, balance so you don’t fall over and then look up.
I can usually do it, just, although I feel like my ribs are going to break because my jelly belly gets in the way, but there was no way in hell I was going to reach that clasp tonight if I couldn’t fill my lungs with any air.
My God, what had she eaten? She seriously needs to do a few more plough posture moves and get her digestion going.
I thought only boys that drank lots of lager could make smells like that.
And the smell wouldn’t go away. It lingered in the air for what felt like forever when you can't breathe.
I’m sure fart particles must have landed on me. I could even taste it.
Finally about two moves later it was safe to breathe again. If she went home and played ovens with her husband he would get toxic poisoning.
Class was just about over and OH MY GOD another one. I couldn’t contain myself this time and the giggle monster in me took over. Relaxation time was coming so I knew I had to pull myself together before then.
I was trying to blow the air round about me to distribute the thickness of fart air but it didn’t seem to work. All that happened was I blew it back to the girl that thought I was doing it in the first place.
I made a mental note to text Sacha, the teacher, and tell her it wasn’t me. She warned us about air pockets and fanny farting the week before when we were standing on our heads, she never warned us about the bum burps when we were the right way up too.
Seriously, you have to leave all pride at the door when you go to yoga.
Never mind, I will be able to kiss my own ass soon so it will all be worth it.
posted by Nikki @ 6:40 AM
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