To blog or not to blog??

Seems to be a problem publishing my blog just now so no-one will probably ever read this.......
N
x

I don't wanna dance..... Oh yes I do!

Thursday 21st

Oh my God what a day at work! Left the office at 930 and sat down to my dinner at 1030. By which time there was no way I was going to get my tooshie into the shower and start to pluck, shave, shampoo, tan and brush and get ready to go out at 11pm so put my flanalette pjs on and couried myself in and watched a crap movie and went to bed.

Missed Janet’s house warming. Sorry huney! But had a face like a skelped arse so probably wouldn’t have been my usual party animal wee self anyway.

Friday 22nd

Was back at work on Friday morning. Oh well, givers gain they say. Just seem to be waiting a wee while to get mine back…

Then went to the Vampires pool but she was a big snoozer looser and didn’t get out of bed to join me. I had the pool to myself. Bliss.

Mairead’s birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEE UN! So off to Ginsing to her black and white party.

Haven’t been there for ages. It was a great night but Ramdan was called and the DJ had to step down. Back ground music on so still good crack but very civilized and home by 2am.

And damn it, I had put my dancing boots on for a good old boogie thinking it was my last night before Ramadan. Oh well, it’s only a month and I’ve survived all past years.

Scissor Sisters new single seems very appropriate right now. Shame it makes me bounce the purple frog across lanes when it comes on, I will have to try and control myself for the next few weeks in case I get arrested for singing in the car.

And of course WOO HOO I don’t have to worry about where to smoke this year either. Ha ha ha ha ha to all those hiding round the back of bins, buildings, four wheels and palm trees for a quick puff.

I hope it’s not still too humid for you all out there….

Food and Friends

Tues 19

Met an old friend I haven’t seen for a few years for lunch today, Paul from Showtime. Catching up with old friends is wicked. You always tell each other the gossip you couldn’t tell each other at the time when you worked together!

And aaaahhh, now it all makes sense…. :O)

It’s a sad fact of life in Dubai (probably everywhere) but I feel it’s particularly bad here, that after all the air kisses, swapping phone numbers and promises of “daarrlling we must do lunch again soon” that 8 ½ times out of 10 people are too busy here to even make an effort to phone their friends on week days. The ½ a point is for the times we think about it but don’t actually pick up the phone.

The only time most of us see our friends is in the pub at the weekends. A lot of “friends” of mine have probably never even seen me sober.

I guess that’s why I cook for the girls, it’s the only way I can entice my real pals to come round and get the crack without getting hammered.

If I didn’t cook I would really probably only see most friends with a drink in their hand and a glint in their eye and I wouldn’t have any real friends at all. So thank God for food.

If you are a drinking friend, don’t worry, I love vodka as much as food. But if I have never cooked for you or had lunch/dinner with you then all you probably know about me is that I can drink copious amounts of vodka and dance my pants off til the sun comes up!

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is we should all make more of an effort for our friends.

“The only choice we really have to make for ourselves each day is what we eat for lunch”. Let’s make that choice to include who we eat it with too.

Paul lunch is on me next time. Missed your crack buddy and look forward to many more lunches.

Did I or didn't I???

Fri 15th

Went to Debi’s to go to her pool today. We never made it upstairs to the pool, too much effort was required. I did manage to go to shops to make a sandwich and then we watched a movie.

Well I needed to conserve my energy, it’s my hot date with Edward tonight.

It started off well, I was 30 mins late! Bloody traffic. Couldn’t believe it. Oh well he was cool, there was a bar in the lobby so he was sorted.

We went to Cuccina’s in the Courtyard. Highly recommend it. Really good food and great company.

We got on really well and the conversation flowed as fast as the wine was being poured.

In the middle of dinner all the staff started singing an Italian song. Which was really sweet considering they were all Filipino. Everyone else in the restaurant seemed unruffled by this moment of sweetness, Ed and I were a bit gobsmacked to say the least.

It didn’t put us off our pudding however which was truly scrumptious.

So after a civilized evening of chatting and sorting out the world we then headed for RBs for a boogie.

Or so I was promised. Its seems our Ed is a bit of a pool player and that’s exactly where I spent most of the evening, the pool room. It’s a whole other world in there, one which I have never been in before but one which I wouldn’t shy from in the future.

Met a few very interesting people who loved the story of me buying Ed for a date and who kept buying us springboks. Deadly combination. Wine, vodka, shots and a three course Italian meal.

Then we hit the dance floor to juggle it all about a bit then back to Nikki Tams for a few cocktails just to well and truly put the nails in our coffins and ensure a monster hangover the next day which bordered on alcohol poisoning. Then Ed left and I crashed out big time.

And I stayed in the same position until the evening the next day…..

I received 8 messages on Saturday asking me "did I or didn't I"!!!

No I didn't, and neither did he!

Thanks Ed, a perfect gentleman and a perfect date.

Can’t wait for the big night out with everyone, its going to be wicked. But I truly hope everyone else has as nice a charity auction date as I did, but I hope their hangovers are not as bad!

Greg's birthday at Spice Island

Thurs 14th

Greg’s birthday at Spice Island. Its always good fun there. Always plenty good food and always too much to drink. We managed to avoid the shots this time though so walked out on both legs and not on all fours for a change.

We even made it to Double Deckers which was mental. They had a tent outside for “Jacks” birthday and he really had a good old time.

We lost the birthday boy as they all went back to his and we then the Vampire and I went to RBs.

Home safe and sound by 3am.

I love my life.

Wed 13

Scabby Fucking Dabby. God it’s a boring drive. And not a very productive journey either. Two clients cancelled once I was there, the tubes. Won’t be going back in a hurry. Anyway, that’s Mel’s job now, woo hoo!

I have so much on the next few weeks I need to rest up and conserve energy so missed yoga and stayed in and caught up with blog and generally kept out of trouble. Ate my rock I got sent over from my Dad, Rue and the kids. Funny, I haven’t eaten rock for years and I couldn’t remember what it tasted like but as soon as I had my first taste it all came flooding back....

Its tastes like over-sweetened-high-speed-tooth-decaying-crap, but you eat it coz it’s pretty.

And I don’t have any chocolate and I haven’t done any of the 5 things on my daily list today so had to find a substitute and so the rock had to do.

And the rock was in place of No. 5 not No.2 – tut tut - pervs.

So what do I have to look forward to this month, apart from cooler weather.

Thurs 14 – Greg’s birthday at Spice Island (well at least I won’t have to cook if we all go back to mine after!)
Fri 15 – hot date I won on my on-line charity auction with Edward. I bought him.
Sat 16 – Flamers at Apres. (world championship cocktail spinners)

Thur 21 – Janet’s house warming party
Fri 22 – Mairead’s birthday at Ginsing

Thur 28 – super hot date with Josh who won me on on-line charity auction
Fri 29 – Lunch at Neil & Winston’s house

Thur 5 – 12 Steps to Clue Crawling for Kili!! (all will be revealed when you get the e-mail next week!)
Fri 6 – Jo & Boon’s house warming

Bloody hell, it will soon be Christmas!

So the old saying is very true, be careful what you wish for it may just come true! I was getting bored of doing same old stuff. Well I can’t complain now can I?

And we are trying to book our Eid holidays just now too. Looks like Goa out the window, too expensive for 5 days. So Cyprus, Malaysia, Greece, Singapore, wherever, the world is our oyster. Well if it costs under 3,500 Dhs for 5 days anyway.

I love my life.

So what else do I love this week?

The Lux soap advert. The wee giggle the wee girl makes in this makes me laugh out loud every time I hear her. Cute. It reminds me of the spiral twirly-door-stopper thing that used to be behind my front door at home. Every time I pinged it, the sound it made used to make me laugh out loud. In fact if I ever felt fed up I pinged it on purpose. It worked every time.

Songs can instantly make people feel good and here are some of the ones that have that instant feel good effect on me….

Train – Drops of Jupiter. Apparently this song reminds most people of me. Probably the only song I know all the words too from start to finish.
KT Tunstill – Suddenly I see (can’t keep my hips still to this)
Goo Goo Dolls – Iris (quick get the hairbrush out)
Meatloaf – anything from Bat out of Hell (ah teenage memories)
David Grey – This years love (niiiice memories from 2001!)
Sting – Desert Rose (reminds me of Debi and the good old days!)
Katie Melua – listen to it in the bath, just love it all
Evanessance – All of me (haunting but love it)

Crickey I could go on forever coz we all know I lurv my tunes.

And guaranteed to make me run to the dance floor…

Pussy Cat Dolls – Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Safri Duo – Bongo song
Robbie Williams – Rock DJ
Bob Sinclair – Love Generation (SQ this is def MY song not yours….)
Body Rockers – I like the way you move
Madhouse – Like a prayer
Scissor Sisters – I don’t wanna dance

My God, I truly could go on forever with the dance tunes, and I haven’t even started on the DJ tunes!

Will save that project for another day when I have nothing to write about and not at 1130pm tonight.

One more thing I loved this week is the Yukon GMC ad. Its wicked. Reminds me of the old Smash adverts.

And what things have annoyed me this week…?

1/ The advert for the Dhow Palace Hotel in Bur Dubai. You know the one I mean and you know why and if I ever meet him I may have to slap him. Hard.

2/ Wet trouser bottoms. Boys won’t get this (unless their trousers are too long!). When girls go to the loo in public places or the workplace or anywhere but home, 9 times out of 10 the floor is flooded.

Now we all like to believe that it’s from the hose and its just water splashed all over the toilet seat, floor and parts of the walls, but you are just never 100% sure are you.

You realise when you take that first step out of the cubicle that you forgot to roll your trouser leg up to your knees before you sat down when you get that sharp cold cringing feeling on your ankles which guarantees the first 3 cms of your trouser leg is now saturated.

So for the next 2 hours until it dries you are trying to convince yourself that it’s just water.

3/ Suspicion vs Trust. It takes a long time to build trust between friends (years in my case!). And a second to destroy it with a suspicion. I’m working on that.

They say that if you if you were stuck on a desert island and allowed one treasure to take, apparently you should take another human or you will go mad (ie Castaway film).

Me - I would choose a radio.

Stereo of course. That way I would get to listen to music, new and old, and hear other humans talking to prevent me going mad.

And I could really truly dance like no-one was watching and of course sing and sound like Stevie Nicks….

Ok mind is wandering, I’m babbling and my sleep angel is calling.

Nite.
x

Best behaviour for once...

Fri 8

No-one gave me any good ideas to alternatives for a Friday (ie not Waxy’s and RBs) and my lot all doing different stuff this weekend so no-one would come to Laughter Factory or Cheesy night with me so I STAYED IN!

I’ll say it again in case you didn’t read it correctly... I STAYED IN. And on a Friday. And it was cool. Cooked loads of nice food and watched loads of crap telly. Haven’t done that for a while and needed the rest. And saving my voice and my liver as out every weekend from now until 6th October! Hey, can I help it if I’m popular?

Sat 9

Went to the Vamps pool and even the brown mafia came this week. Well I thought they were both looking a bit peely wally and needed some sun….

PHOTO ATTACHED

I had to leave early as cooking for Cally and Paul tonight to discuss our next charity event.

God the pressure! Paul is the head chef of Left Bank and Cally is a veggie! Nightmare.

So I had to bring out the big guns. What else but home made vegetable soup to start and of course fish pie and vegetables for main.

And enough left over for a small army so no cooking worries rest of the week. Result.

Sun 10

Nothing exciting happened today. Worked til 8pm and then it took an hour and a bloody half to get home. Bugger.

Does everyone in Media City really live on the other side of the Trade Centre??? Seriously, where the hell does everyone go in the evening???

Mon 11

Yoga, yippee!

Tues 12

Went to the Agency in Emirates Towers for Becki’s mum’s 50th. Very civilized evening. I have to drive to Abu Dhabi tomorrow morning so had to be on my best behaviour.

For a change.

Blog, blog, blog.....please don't fire me.....blog, blog, blog....

Thur 7th

After a very loooong week at work, went to Aileen’s birthday at Ibis at night with the Vampire.

Saw a few people haven’t seen for ages so it was good crack. Gillian’s brother and mates are here from Glasgow so spent the night trying to translate Glaswegian quickly.

Then we all went to RBs but it was absolutely rammed. No room to even lift our elbows to take a swig never mind room to rock our bottoms so everyone came back to Nikki Tams. Very subdued party for me but the boys had sun stroke from the day before so let them off. Made cheese on toast, burnt bacon and sausage sandwiches.

Wicked.

Gillian and Aileen feel asleep on the couch and then once my only hope of a boogie, Mr-Saturday-Night-Fever-Greg, fell asleep leaning against the wall, it was time to break up the party and go to bed.

My digital camera has all the evidence but I am too nice to publish the photos on my blog.

And if I did no-one would ever come back to mine for a party again for fear of world wide blogging evidence!

Talking of which, I hear 7Days is looking for good bloggers and sites to report about. Apparently people are getting fired because their bosses don’t like what they are saying on their blogs! And kids are even getting suspended from school.

Well this is a personal blog for my personal enjoyment and, for those who know me, to read and hopefully have a giggle at.

Once again, if you don’t like it, don’t read it!

I don’t think I have written anything that would warrant me getting fired, and if I had known about blogging in school I would have done it sooner to get expelled. What a great plan.

No the only thing I have to worry about is jail for pimping.

So strangers seeking a quick thrill at the glimpse of someone else’s life, coz theirs is too fucking boring to write about, will just have to wait for my book to be published at the end of next year to read anything I have written as I am not publishing my blog for the general public to tear apart and destroy.

Remember, the reason I started blogging was to prove my dedication to writing. Well as I’ve been writing it since April and it adds up to over 80 pages already, I think it’s a realistic goal to be able to write my book in a year.

Watch this space….

Say Aaaaagggghhhh!

Mon 4th

Throat still sore but made my silly-o’clock BNI meeting at like the brave wee soldier I am. Although I lost my voice in the middle of my presentation and had to give up, at least I made it there this week.

I had to leave early anyway as was going to Concierge of the Year awards at Nad Al Sheba. Great fun. I am one of the sponsors so got to sit in the posh seats and look important. Very important.

Then yoga, yoga, yoga at night. I must be getting back into it again, my arms weren’t shaking when I drove home.

Tues 5

And I actually managed to get up without hurting in the morning. So more yoga, yoga, yoga in the evening! Bloody hell, at this rate I will be that sex goddess as planned ahead of time. And this time it was at the Habtoor Grand if you don’t mind. Very nice thank you very much.

The only thing that spoiled it having to control my giggles when a couple sat down to eat at the window opposite about 30 mins from the end and had to watch me trying various positions the last of which must have looked like I was trying to strangle myself and kiss my ass at the same time.

The best bit was when the teacher comes and sits on top of me….to make sure that it really hurts and the guy nearly choked on his food.

Man child, party queen or librarian wanted.

Ok the time has finally come as I knew one day it would.

My lovely wee flat mate, Mairead, is leaving me to play house on her own.

So my spare room needs a new owner from the 1st October.

If anyone knows anyone who is mad enough to put up with me but not mad enough to stab me or eat me in the night when I am sleeping, please give them my number or e-mail.

I live in Al Manzel Building in Karama, as do several other recognisable uptown expats, which was named one of the top party buildings in Dubai in 2000!

Although we have all grown up since then (!!) it’s still a cool place to live.

So what am I looking for?

1/ Man or boy?
Young enough to boss about, old enough to have an intelligent conversation, broken in enough to clean up, care free enough to party all weekend with, doesn't make me watch football (unless of course his mates are gorgeous), good looking enough to date my friends, not good looking enough to want to shag.

2/ Girl or woman?
Young enough to keep up with me, old enough and scary enough to have the authority to tell me when to stop and I will, pretty enough to date my male friends, not too pretty to steal all the boys I want to shag, doesn't steal my tampons and doesn't cry every weekend when pissed.

Decisions decisions.

The start of another chapter in my life. Can't wait. Bring it on.

If at first you don't succeed.....

Yvie, this is proof of how much I love you!

They say third time lucky, but obviously not in my case.

If I don't get it right on the fourth attempt I am getting some posted over by my Mum.

It will be cheaper.

For those of you who don't recognise this mush, it is of course my third attempt at Millionaires Shortbread for my friend's birthday which was on 28th July.

The biscuit bottom was perfect and the chocolate topping was truly great believe me. It was just the mush in the middle that kinda spoiled the effect.

Need a wee lesson from my favourite Chef Paul & Chefess Cally me thinks.

I am a good cook. Just a baaaad baker. I blame the oven. Oh yes, I mean fridge in this case.

I wrote a wee poem to go with it:-

For your birthday Yvie I wanted to do something special for you.
But I don’t have a million Dirhams and I didn’t know what to do.
You already have everything a girl could want on her special day
And with the chance of failing I was determined come what may.
So at the risk of producing a wee monster plate of Scottish goo.
Hopefully this plate of Millionaire’s Shortbread will do.

Obviously as it was a plate of goo I didn't give it to her! Oh well, the thought was there. Sometimes I think too hard. Next time I will just spend more money on a proper present instead.

I am loving my new camera. New phone was good until 2 days ago when the radio stopped working.

How flipin' inconvenient is that when I am trying to concentrate on work.

Laryngitis??

Saturday 2nd

I can’t talk again today. Voice completely gone. I need a rest. So not going to yoga today.

I can’t remember if I’ve shared my list of five things that make you happy.

1/ Sun
2/ Sex
3/ Exercise
4/ Meditation
5/ Chocolate

In no particular order. I strive to do/have/eat at least one of these every day. Guaranteed happy hormones. Granted I do some more than others but it works for me.

Today I did “sun”. First time I have sunbathed since before June. SQ and I went to Vamps pool. It was lovely. Bit burnt tonight but nice day.

Bought more drugs from the chemist for my poor throat. I thought my throat might be sick of vit C and need some vit E but still can’t talk properly and anesthetic lozenges only last an hour and only allowed one every two hours. I need two every hour. Pants.

An old neighbour of my grannies used to get laryngitis all the time when she drank too much. Maybe it’s a sign……. Scary.

I think I should stay in next weekend. Or go somewhere nice for brunch or do something different that does not involve alcohol and dancing til 6am.

Any ideas? All I can think of is snow boarding and I still have a lump on my leg since February when I went for a lesson.

And my clothes must remain on.

What NOT to do, and what TO DO.

Thursday 31st

Needless to say I didn’t make it further than my bed and the sofa today. Pizza and movies was all I could manage. Up until 6pm even water was a struggle.

What not to do....

I realised (for about the hundredth time) that I really can’t drink bull frogs. Red bull makes me bounce of walls more than usual. Red bull mixed with 5 white spirits is a lethal concoction that spells trouble for me.

So apologies to anyone that tried to talk to me and didn’t get an English answer.

Alien mother tongue was all that was available in my head after about 1am.

Friday 1st September

What to do....

Trumpet fanfare, drum roll, bang on the bongos and a wee jig on the fiddle….

Wooo hooo. I’VE STOPPED SMOKING ONE YEAR TODAY!

I am very proud of me.

So me and my very very sore throat (day 6) went out to celebrate. As you do.

Same old same old but good fun had by all and we danced til the wee hours.

I imagine hangovers are like child birth. You forget the pain easily. If not you wouldn’t keep doing it.

Well actually, I’m as sure as hell won’t be freezing over anytime soon that I won’t be giving birth the day after the morning after the night before, but you get the gist.

RBs 10th Birthday Bash - Wed 30th

Mel, Bex, Me and Lou.

Here we all are getting hyped up at Nikki Tams before we all go to the RBs 10th Birthday bash.

In case you cant guess, it was a red and white theme.

Girls, giggles and gripes before a night out always sets us all up for a guaranteed good one.

The next thing I remember is Thursday morning, the orange bucket and no voice.

This was truly the mother of all hangovers - times 10.

I blamed the Champaign. The Moet wotsit that I won and thought was a good idea to open in the bar and give of to the nearest people seemed like a good idea at the time.

When I found out it was worth 2,500 Dhs I realized that the 8 vodkas, 2 bull frogs and B52 shot had a lot to answer for and I need to recognise at least one brand of expensive Champaigne.

I don’t particularly like Champaign but if I had actually been capable of thought I could definitely have come up with something a bit more romantic than giving it off to the strangers nearest to us.

Oh well, we think that each of the three girls that were left, Josh and possibly Terry got a glass. We think. The rest went to the boys stalking Mel (of course the only girl with a boyfriend in our group scores three boys).

Mel and Lou came back to mine for more shinanigans. Lou didn’t leave mine until 6am. I managed to cook sausages and chips but we didn’t manage to eat them. I must have been unconscious by the time they were ready.

I had to take a sickie for the first time since I started at Castaway. I would not have been capable of driving to work never mind functioning when I got there.

No voice. Actually it felt like no head. Or rather I wished I didn't have one.

But hell it was worth it, we had a wicked night! 

Suzie Q and Vamp.

 

Yvie, Lou, Bex and Mel.

 

Day 4 of sore throat.

Tuesday 29th

Mmm – hope it goes away for tomorrow night.

Mel and I went and bought all the red and white outfits for the girls today so I can’t wimp out even if I can’t talk.

Oh well I guess you don’t need to talk to drink and dance anyway eh?

My friends rock, some DJs don't.

Monday 28th

So dragged my sorry ass out of bed and rocked up to work at 11am. If it wasn’t pay day and Mel’s second day I would definitely still be in bed now.

8 paracetamol’s, two packets of orange strepsils, one bag of the new rhino energy/jelly/speed/redbull sweet thingies, several lemon, orange, ginger and huney teas and I am starting to feel ok again. Yahoo!

Finally left office at 8pm and flipin’ car playing up. Managed to get home safely but called the mechanic and he said it was serious and my baby has to go to the hospital tomorrow. Shit, I have a lunch meeting and two meetings in Deira tom afternoon. What a pain. But would rather say goodbye for a few days from my car park than in the middle of Sheikh Zayed road on way home. Now that would be worth moaning about.

And I need to go shopping tomorrow for our red and white tops for the RBs 10th Red & White Birthday Bash on Wednesday night. It would simply not be acceptable for the oldest and longest regulars to turn up in blue.

I am taking Mel with us too. Gawd help her.

Bless, nothing like throwing someone in the deep end. But hey I wish I had a boss like me, first week on the job and taking me out to get pissed and then telling me to take the morning off the next day.

Things that have annoyed me this week….

David Newsome on the breakfast show this week.

Seriously, this guy is the most irritating person I have ever had to listen to on the radio. He gives me a thumping sore head. He needs to stop talking and just play music. I hope Cat Boy is not away for long or I am going to have to move house so I can get the reception for channel 104.8 again. I truly hope he is back on the late show soon coz then I will never have to listen to him again.

Things that I love this week….

The new Snow Patrol cd. Its wicked. And it probably prevented me committing murder during the day after waking up to David Newsome in the morning.

And of course the highlight of my week….

A magnificent total of 5,692 Dhs pledged in bids for my on-line charity auction!!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Lucky winners and all details are listed on the charity auction blog.

http://nixcharityauction.blogspot.com

My friends rock.

Psychological Anniversary?

Sunday 27th

Finally Mel started today. My new shining sales star to help me get my life back. It’s been a very long, hard 3 months juggling two jobs myself but hey I’ve survived.

Unfortunately it seems my body has now finally given in. The sore throat is not from too much singing on Friday and is definitely some sort of debilitating lergy and getting worse. I feel like shit. Need lots of drugs and TLC. Its like my body has had a word with me and said right, I’ve held it together for 3 months working 10-12 hour days and hammering the party life at weekend and now my body is resisting and saying woooeee girlie, time for a wee compulsory rest.

Can’t rest tonight tho, it’s finally the last day for collecting the pledges for the online auction.

So back to Left Bank. Been so often there lately I am even getting a loyalty card! Ate lots again, well they do say feed a cold eh…. Drank lots of fruit juice for vit C and bless the bar staff they also made me some sort of concoction to help my poor throat. It also didn’t work but tasted good anyway.

I guess I just need to stop talking to make it better. Mmmm – tough one.

But worth it coz we raised 5,600 Dirhams! Woo hoo. How cool is that?

Not everyone turned up to pay but a few of the lovely people to participated in the auction did so it was great to meet them. Going to arrange a night out for all of us once this is over. It’s been hard work but excellent fun.

I didn’t sleep a wink though. My sleep angel was there but my sore throat kept him awake all night too. Bugger. And I was supposed to have my BNI meeting at 645am.

I tossed and turned all night and when I got up at 530am to get ready I took one look at my poor-pathetic-little-white-with-lack-of-sleep-wee-face and went straight back to bed.

Its funny, I don’t think I have been sick once since I stopped smoking and I have stopped for a year on 1st September.

Wonder if it’s a psychological anniversary to remind me of the bad old days?

The orange bucket.

Friday 25th

I knew it was a wicked night last night as it’s the first time in a very long time I have woken up clutching my orange bucket in bed .

But I must have been still pissed as I thought I felt fine and got up at 11am to cook breakfast. Sausages, bacon, eggs, toast, beans and even oven chips! As soon as it was eaten went back to bed til 2pm.

When I then got up again and felt like shit. So back to bed and next thing I know Becki on way round as we were all supposed to be at the Irish Village Hop Fest by 6pm.

I was still in bed then. But at least the orange bucket was back under the sink by then.

Got up quickly and jump in the shower when she came over. Once ready we nearly persuaded each other not to go when she had the bright idea to have a wee shot to see if it killed or cured us.

Decision made. B52’s all round. We counted to three and downed them. I held on to the kitchen counter and waiting. Nothing happened. Wicked. We called a cab and off we went.

Everyone else there already. We had to queue to get in which was quite scary. About 100 people pushing and shoving and being the wee-est it wasn’t nice.

Couldn’t quite get my head round why we were all queuing to get in and out as there was no entrance charge. Scary stuff, especially with a B52 swirling round in your tummy….

Anyway we safely made it in and rounded up our clan for safety in numbers. I think every breathing human in there was pissed except us. There were a few that already looked like they weren’t breathing they were so pissed and we had a lot of catching up to do. Quickly.

Didn’t take long. Two ciders later we were up there dancing on tables with the rest of them. We stayed there drinking and dancing til the wee hours.

Well we moved from that particular spot once when the table broke. But we soon found another table to dance on.

Wicked bands played. Lots of talent. Good company. Great night. SQ and I had one for the road in RBs on way home, and we bounced round the danced floor a few times and then home safely.

Yep, even Suzie Q was bouncing. Mental note to feed her wine next time I need a dancing partner.

Saturday 26th

Second day hangover. Never quite sure how that’s going to be these days. Don’t do two day benders anymore but actually wasn’t too bad.

Had a bit of a sore throat after all the singing and a bit stiff after all the dancing but no long lasting damage done and only a few bruises and black toes to show for the carnage of the day before.

Met the brown mafia and went shopping at M&S sale. Bought more yoga stuff. Great, I now have 3 yoga outfits. No if I can only drag my lardy ass and jelly belly to the classes I’ll be laughing all the way to the thin scales.

We had dinner then I went to theirs for a game of cards. I had to let SQ win this time coz I am sick of hearing about how many times I won on holiday. Actually let the record show that Yvette won. No matter what SQ tells you.

They fed me some weird and wonderful Goan concoction for my sore throat which didn’t work but tasted ok so drank it anyway.

It certainly couldn't do anymore damage than already done at weekend anyway.

And at least I didn't need the orange bucket again.

Time Warp....again....

Tuesday 22nd

Actually it’s the time warp again. I think Ben might have come round tonight but I can’t remember. It’s next Monday now!

Wednesday 23rd

Ah bliss back to yoga. Great.

Thursday 24th

Fuck me – I can’t move after yoga last night.

This is what happens when you don’t go for 8 weeks and become a lardy arse again.

I definitely need a Gigolo! It really must be the way forward. Much more fun. Still no offers tho……. And no strangers bid on me in the auction yet, only friends so I can’t even do a deal with them.

Went to Stephan’s at night with Becki for pre-Apartment drinks for the chosen few and then off to pose at the Apartment.

If I was taller, thinner, younger and had a designer dress and/or shorts on, I would have fit right in.

As it was the new top I had on was the same length as most of the girls dresses. Seriously.

And my girlie boxers were definitely larger than some of the shorts some of the girls wore.

I did pull another 20 something old tho, which never fails to surprise me. Do I remind them of their mother or what?

I know I’m a sex goddess, honestly I do. But surely only to men too old to pull the real 20-something sex goddesses out there already?? Not to the ones that can!! Oh well, flattered as I was, he got the ice queen effect.

Maybe he could come back and see me when he needs to shave every day.

And I even managed to go straight home and decline the after party. Even tho the star DJ went back to Steph’s.

I guess it was the pouring your own at the VIP table all night that kicked in when we went outside and I realized that not only was I no longer capable of speech but I was having great difficulty putting one foot in front of the other without two steps back and one sideways first.

Considering I had been dancing my pants off for about three hours earlier this came as a great shock. Just as well I fucked off the man child, I would have most probably scared him off women for life.

So home safe, alone and all belongings present and correct. Even had money left. Result. Probably because I didn’t pay for anything all night.

Thanks Steph!

Potential flat mate & legal torture....

Monday 21st

I met my potential new flat mate this evening. What a bizarre situation. He came round to visit me in my wee bachelorette pad to suss out if he wants to live with me. I had about 2 hours to suss out if I want to live with him!

So Ben is a friend of a friend who seems a normal decent lad. So how do you decide if you are compatible to share a flat together? We are still at the polite stage.

When will the bum burps start?
Will he pick up smelly socks?
Will there be a problem with dirty dishes piling up in the sink for days?
Will the bar be drunk dry quicker than usual?
Will there be more wild parties than usual?
Will there be a problem with strangers running round the flat naked on Friday mornings?
Will the sounds of screaming coming from the bedroom on a Thursday and/or Friday if lucky, affect our relationship?
Do I want him to see my sexy undies and/or period pants on the washing line?

Actually, is this young boy brave enough to put up with me and all of the above???

Oh good god, I just had a thought, if I share with a boy, will I have to watch football in my own home!

Story of my life, young boys or older men. Where are all the late thirty-year-olds or early-forty-year olds? At home with their wives & kids watching paint dry probably….

Mairead is not leaving for another month so we have a month to meet up another few times and “suss each other out”.

I haven’t shared with a boy since I was 17. Well apart from the ones I was sleeping with or married to. And this time I won’t have to iron any shirts.

I guess the question is “to boy or not to boy” (oh groan, sorry its late!)

And the legal torture….

If anyone ever wants to get a secret out of someone, I have now discovered the world’s best torture instrument for guaranteed success.

And it’s legal.

Furthermore I bought it myself and applied it to myself willingly. And I have no secrets to tell myself. And to top it all it wasn’t flipin’ cheap.

Now let’s clear something up first. I actually have quite a high pain threshold for a girl. Over the years I have plucked, threaded, tweezed and waxed various and widespread parts of me with no more than a grimace and a wee prayer to get it over with quickly.

And some of these areas would make most grown men howl for their mammy at the very thought of it but these rarely publicly seen areas are the areas which are most trendy to wax in Dubai. Full monty or landing strip trendy and a regular necessity for bikini wearers.

That’s cool. I can handle that.

So what’s the new torture instrument that brought tears to my eyes you may ask?

It looks safe enough and promises long lasting results and smooth as a baby’s bum effects.

It’s simply called an epilator.

It looks harmless enough. Seems easy to use. It even has a light for hard to see areas.

In reality it’s a bum clenchingly, tongue bitingly, tear jerkingly, truly torturous most painful thing I have ever willingly done to myself.

If I had a boyfriend this could definitely be classed as S & M.

I don’t care if a once over with this innocent but deadly looking device means I will never have to do wax, pluck or tweeze again. I would rather poke my eye out with a sharp stick and watch The Proclaimers live for 24 hours straight with the good eye than use it again.

And its hardly something you can sell second hand.

I will be calling Jenny next week again. The embarrassment of someone coming to your house and poking and proding your wee lady to get every last unwanted hair folicle is by far the number one choice from now on.

I will never complain about waxing again.

Ever.