Wed 26th July - blog, blog, blog, bloody blog.....!!

Blog, blog, blog, blog. Finally starting to catch up with my life. Spent the whole evening typing. On page 27 in word. Now I just have to download it all (or is it upload?).

Went to pick up my stuff from tailors today. Most of the stuff I bought at home didn’t fit properly in one area or another. That’s what happens when you are 5 foot tall with an arse my size. I love my tailor, he usually does a great job.

Who oh why then did he hem two dresses by 3 inches when I wanted one of them to get new buttons and one to be taken in at the waist? Back up to the sewing machine to sew the cut offs back on again. Seriously. And luckily for him it actually looks ok. At this time of the month he is very lucky indeed.

So if you see me at the office and notice the pattern going the other way at the bottom of my dress, don’t ask coz you now know why.

Mon 24th & Tues 25th July - life still rocks.

Updated blog all evening then watched my new favourite programme – Super Nanny! Strange for someone who has no kids, but she rocks. Some of these families are unbelievable. But Super Nanny sorts them out and they become angels in two weeks.

But for God sake, why is no-one teaching this woman how to pronounce ACCEPTABLE?? She has been on air long enough now for someone somewhere to tell her! And of course she says it about 20 times during the programme. Oh well, it’s always the small things.

Tuesday 25th July

Shit day, good night. I can handle that. Work sucked today. Getting tired of juggling too many balls and starting to drop them.

But strangely enough my life still rocks! Work is NOT my life.

Had a lovely evening with Nat. We went to Left Bank and got the crack with Paul, who makes the best fish cakes in the world, stuffed chicken and puddings– ever. Working my way through the menu. Will keep you updated.

Starting to make plans for our two charity events coming up. It will be great fun. You will be getting an e-mail soon (well if you live in Dubai!).

Sat 22nd July - square eyes

Woke up at 11am. Went to bed at 11pm. What did I do in between? WATCH THE END OF SERIES 5 OF 24. Oh – my – God! If you haven’t seen it, get it! I nearly peed my pants. I told Neil when series 6 comes out we are all going to his for a sleep over weekend to watch the whole lot.

Its not normal behaviour for a girl all alone to be jumping in front of the telly screaming at it for 12 hours. The only time I moved was to pee and to answer the door to the pizza man.

Wicked.

Sunday 23rd July

Just for the record, NO I am not going to write about the “bigger” things going on in the world right now and start a political opinion poll just to get comments. NO I am not going to write about controversial albeit very important world topics. That is the whole point of my blog. It’s a light hearted diary of my little ol’ life as I see it which hopefully makes you smile. There are no wars in my life today. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I will probably have a wee rant every now and then but if you want to let off steam on the “bigger” things in life you will have to write to 7 days!

Or write your own blog.

My hobby is writing it. You don’t have to read it but if you do I hope to make you smile with some of the stories.

Take what you like from it and leave the rest.

You can always go and watch telly instead…..

Fri 21st July - messy

First weekend back since holidays so obviously have to go on a bender. It would be rude not to.

In Waxys by 6pm. Very messy. It was truly rammed. So rammed we even devised an escape route in case there was a fire or a fight. We stood at the right hand side bar so that we could throw a stool out the window and escape through it relatively unscaved. Seriously. We actually talked about it.

Then RBs for karaoke with Josh. He rocks. And he can rock me anytime.

Great night but 14 vodka tokens later time this wee girl went wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home.

Thurs 20th July - to leave or not to leave...

Out for Danny’s leaving do.

He doesn’t actually know when he is leaving yet but good excuse to meet up and have a few drams. Went to Left Bank for the first time in ages. It was rammed. Full of blokes. Shame 90% of them were only out on the loose coz their wife and kids are at home for the holidays. Nice eye candy tho.

Then Double Decker. Minging.

Then RBs. More minging.

Home at 3am with everything in tact. Result.

Wed 19th July - surprise...

I had my big presentation today for BNI. Got up at silly o’clock and was there by 630am armed with my laptop and sales folders for all. MMmm where was the IT guy for BNI. More importantly, where was the projector. Strangely I didn’t self combust, I just thought oh well fuck it, they will all just have to sit closer to my laptop to look at the pretty picture. It was supposed to start at 7am and IT guru arrived at 715am. Phew! Very strangely I was not nervous at all and sailed through it. Now all who know me know that I am a kinda Bridgette Jones kinda gal. If something is going to happen it will happen to me and that’s fine, I expect it to, after all, this is me and this is Dubai. How I handle it is usually the trick and that depends on what time of the month it is. And even after it was over without a burp, fart, hic-up, spit, stutter or even a frozen face I was still very suspicious that it had all gone so well. The top button of my blouse was not open (been there done that and don’t wear blouses at presentations anymore) and I didn’t even once have to think about them all sitting there naked.

Sooooo…..

I had been to the ladies when I arrived. I even went after the presentation. Then I went again after morning tea when I got back to the office. Why am I divulging my toilet habits to you? Had one of my thighs shrunk over night? Shit, had the elastic gone in the wash? Inside out knickers? Nope…

After 5 hours of putting them on when I went again at lunchtime I realized that the crutch of my knickers was at my right hip and the string was on my left hip. Uncomfortable you may ask. Yes of course it was once I had noticed it. Lopsided, yes of course, by about 3 inches. Obvious, yes of course now I was awake at lunchtime and noticed. Visible through my new skirt slash trouser things (what the hell are they called?). Who knows. But that may explain all the attention I got after the presentation…..

Oh well, at least I had some on today.

Got to the office on a high and was squished one hour later. THIRD person I offered sales job to and she picked another job she was offered. Jeeso, there must be a very special person out there winging their way to me now to make me wait this long and go thru three people before I find them! Sigh. Just when I thought I was going to get my life back.

I miss my work sanity.

Tues 18th July - Big Brother

Started the day at an early appointment which took me an hour to get to and 15 mins to complete. Ho hum.

Then popped in to Madinat to pick up tickets for Whose Line Is It Anyway on Wednesday night. Ordered my breakfast joga juice and headed to box office. Next thing Big Brother is announcing that everyone has to evacuate the building immediately. Scary, but soon find out it’s only a drill and the staff are delighted to have half an hour out of their boringly quiet routine in the shops in the morning. However NOT the best place to try and navigate your way to the nearest exit. I have been to the souq at least 100 times since it’s opened and I don’t think I have found my way to the same place by the same route twice yet! Finally followed the masses and found the exit. Hot hot outside so no no hanging around in case my joga muesli juice melted. So snuck my way back down to the car park and managed to escape but with no WLIIA tickets. Ho hum.

No worries, its Upgrade My Life day today and off to Sharjah to sort out my head with my Life Coach, the one and the only Mr Dave Crane. Actually managed to get there without directions today. But of course on arrival there was a newly dug grand canyon right outside his house and all the way down the street and I didn’t have my spare car bungee rope with me so no way my wee Rav was gonna make it across without serious injuries incurred. But where there’s a will there’s a way, translated, when you have a mobile phone, alternative directions are available to allow me to drive around the new grand canyon safely. Seriously, no really, seriously, what did we do before we all had mobile phones??

Anyway, my one hour “get-up-in-the-morning-and–be-a-better-person-with-a-little-boost-my-confidence-and-brush-up-my-presentation-skills-for-tomorrow” session turned in to a FIVE & A HALF HOUR marathon to “leave-my-past-behind-and-move-onto-my-new-future-session”!

Wicked.

Dave rocks.

I rock.

And the whole fucking world is my oyster.

Fri 14th July - meeting Winston.

Worked on laptop in aftie then off out to Neil’s to meet Winston.

I was quite nervous at first. I wanted to make a good impression as he is obviously very important to Neil. But he was a much bigger and blacker than I expected, Neil didn’t warn me and I was totally shocked. I’d expected him to be much younger too. But after the initial manic overly-pleased–to-see-me-greeting, we actually got on great. Although he didn’t really pay much attention to what I said, he still seemed friendly enough. And a bonus, I wasn’t allergic to him. I knew after he’d licked me to death, tried to chew my arm off and ate the beads of my flip flops that we were going to be the best of buddies. I miss dogs. (see “things I’d forgotten about dogs").

Yep, Neil’s life has now changed forever as Winston, the 5 month old black lab, has now taken over his entire life.

So after bonding with Winston and drinking lots it was dancing time. Neil had to stay home and doggie sit (hee hee) so Danny and I went to RBs. Where else. After drinking all day and drinking bull frogs when I got there no need to say how messy it got.

Made it home safely but minus purse. Downer.

Still have mobile and both flip flops tho so result.

One big blur..

Sunday 9th to Thursday 13th is one big blur.

Trillions of tonnes of work, millions of appointments, zillions more than usual cars on the road between appointments.

On the positive side although stress level off the scale, zero zits and zero fags but zero yoga so zero fucking tolerance!

I managed not to murder anyone and that’s the main thing.

Which is surprising because I had an average of 4 hours sleep every night. Jet lag, it must be. Either that or my Granny Ruth had put speed in the shortbread.

Hey that might explain Tessies trauma.

I did have a really nice night out with Becki. We went to our favourite, the Noodle House and sorted the world out. Can’t remember which night it was but do remember the company and the food was as good as ever.

Take special note of the next sentence - you won’t see it blogged very often. I was so tired stayed in on Thursday 13th. And it didn’t kill me. There, I admitted it. Finally the sleep angel came back to me. I slept from 1030pm until 1pm Friday and didn’t open my eyes once. I don’t think I even turned over.

Bliss. I feel human again.

It’s safe to go out with my friends this weekend.

Sat 8th July - Hot, hot, hot..... and wet.

Home sweet HOT home.

Mairead hadn’t been home for ages and the AC wasn’t on. Everything that could melt was melted. Everything that could get damp as damp.

Who cared. Bed.

Where the hell was the sleep angel??? Is this was they call jet lag? Never slept on a plane but always managed to sleep once home and catch up.

Oh no, back to work tomorrow with no sleep. Great.

My poor staff, God help them all.

Fri 7th July - Back to reality....or not...

So sadly off to airport today. Trying to look confident and be as nice as possible when checking in just in case I am horribly over weight. My cases not me. Woo hoo, only 2 kilos and she let me off. I am more overweight than that.

Just as a matter of fact, I find it very unfair that the fat bastard in front of me is allowed the same luggage allowance as me. I should get more than him and he should get less. It would be a great incentive to loose weight if it was a total weight of yourself and your baggage….

I got called twice to security to open my case. Dunno what they thought was in it but they couldn’t find it.

So down to Heathrow and prepare myself for the 8 hour wait. That’s ok there’s a huge duty free. MMmmm didn’t think that the flight wouldn’t be open until two hours before hand and there are no comfortable places to sit for 6 hours in Terminal 4. Bugger. Oh well, I had a great book and a well padded great ass so I was fine on the floor.

Finally got checked in and got called to security again! Even x-rayed me. I must look too innocent eh? Anyway it was fine coz they whisked me to the front once they’d searched me so result. I’d even remembered to put my wee scissors in my suitcase this time.

So finally my long day over and boarded the plane. All geed up to take off, people buckled up and engines revving. Tearing along the runway and then wooooeeeee! Emergency brakes and managed to stop just before the end of the runway. Shit. Its ok the Captain said, just a light not going off that is supposed to. He knows he did his checks and everything is ok but just to be on the safe side they are going to turn and approach again. Cool I thought. He isn’t going to risk his life if he thinks something is wrong. Is he?

So we slowly taxied back round then our turn again. Engines revved up, speeding along, bum cheeks clenched and woooeeeeew! Shit emergency brakes again.

Its funny, I was so calm it was scary. The only few thoughts I had were oh well if its not third time lucky I would be really pissed off I just spent two weeks shopping and wouldn’t get to wear the clothes plus I wouldn’t get to finish my book! But at least I had met all my family recently so that was a result.

The poor young couple beside me were peeing their pants. I started reading faster just in case I didn’t find out who dunnit but third time lucky we were off. Phew. Thank God Neil wasn’t with me.

Night flight again and no sleep angel onboard again. Crap. Oh well, at least the keep-the-plane-in-the-air-angel was there all the way.

Thurs 6th July

I met my old work colleague, Aileen, for lunch and catch up. It was lovely. Nice place and good to catch up on the gossip. Then onto my bank appointment.

Last day. You would think it would be a buzzing happy one. Full of last minute shopping and catching up with mates and saying goodbye to everyone.

I spent 2 ½ hours in the bank trying to sort out a bank mess without killing someone. This is going to take a very long legal battle. I’m tired already thinking about it.

I haven’t mentioned it til now coz its toooooo long and boring and makes my blood boil. But the short story is if they don't sort it I will have lost 19,000 pounds. NINETEEN THOUSAND POUNDS!

AARRGGGHHHH! I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

I had to quickly put on a happy face and meet more family I haven’t seen for years for a quick coffee before I left. Met Irene and Iona in the centre then off to grab some last minute bargains then home to pack my suitcase.

Well it ended up two cases coz I’d bought so much stuff in the sales. Everyone was popping in and out to say goodbye and then suddenly it was my last sleep in my Mam’s house.

:o(

Silent thunder....

I was woken last night at about 2am with Tessie scrabling manically trying to get inside my suitcase.

Then she was trying to get under the wardrobe, then under the computer table. She was just going mental. I thought someone had given her speed. Totally manic dog. Realised something was wrong and got up but couldn’t find her. Thought she must have gone upstairs to my mum’s bedroom so went back to bed.

Nope, she was barking loudly for me. Got up again. Went through the house again. No sign of her. Where the hell was she. Back to bed. Then whining. I knew something was wrong and she was stuck somewhere. Back through. I put all the lights on now. Traced the whining to the kitchen. Still couldn’t see her. A tiny teeny whimper. Fuck me, she’s under the floor boards!! I am now in my pyjamas at 3am with my ear to the kitchen floor shouting for my mam’s dog imagining that I am going to get dressed, go to the garage, get tools, pull up the carpet and get under the floorboards and rescue Tess.

Panic setting in just in case she was hurt, suddenly I heard movement. Oh my God, she’s in the washing machine. Nope. More movement. Oh my God, she’s inside the tumble dryer. Nope.

This miniature collie just above knee high with a good wee pot bellie on her had managed to squeeze through a 3inch space to hide behind the tumble dryer.

Poor Tessie, she is terrified of thunder. I didn’t even hear it. But Bob the Lodger heard it and she had hid in his wardrobe earlier and he heard it. I managed to get her out and she went back through to my room and hid under the computer table and the sleep angel resumed her duty to me. 

Mon 3rd - 5th July - more Life Laundry

Up and down. Pushing and pulling. Climbing and falling over. Throwing and catching. Over and over and over again. Dirty and sweating, back and thighs aching but very, very pleased with myself.

No, the man of my dreams had not come to me in the night. I had decided to clear out the attic today.

The first time I went up I couldn’t stand in a single clear 6inch squared place.

By Wednesday afternoon it was completely empty.

All that was left of the last chapter of my old life was in one box and contained photos, a couple of very nice ornaments (one of which is my wizard and crystal ball and I’m gutted its too heavy to carry back), my old LPs and my Caterpillar boots. That’s it. All my household stuff, all my clothes, all my everything was now in the driveway waiting to be collected by anyone who wanted or needed it now.

My mam was in bits. She is very sentimental. I’m not. I chucked out loads of her stuff too. And Grannies old stuff. Everyone has their own map of territory. Its just stuff. I have stuff here. She has stuff there. We don’t need a garage and an attic full of stuff too. Now someone else has all our stuff. Wicked. I feel so much lighter.

Once my Mam gets over the shock and seeks counseling she will too. In fact, she should feel so light she should be floating off somewhere by now....

After my busy few days my mate Caroline took me out to dinner in the evening to a lovely restaurant on Castle street called Café 1. Scrummy food and good crack. We did have some good times together back in our day. Some shit times but we can laugh about it now, and more good times than I actually remembered. Very nice evening indeed.

Dinner is on me next year when you come back over here kid!

Sun 2nd July - oh my God..

Oh my God. How much did I drink last night? I couldn’t move my head until 3pm and felt like I'd been run over by a steam roller.

When I went through the house, or rather “ben the hoose” (the accent is starting to kick back in) I got that look of my Mam, you know, that one that only your Mam can give you and make you feel like that. Oh well, its tradition that I always have at least one bad bender when we are together, she should be more worried if I didn’t.

Needless to say I didn’t manage to do anything the rest of the day except play with the dogs and watch telly.

Caroline by chance saw our old school buddy today. With a big fat wedding ring on. She gave her loud condolences about the break up and he nearly shit his pants trying to keep her quiet.

Boys are stupid.

Fortunately we were not stupid the night we met him and none of us had fallen for his practiced Invernesian charm that night. Still a toad tho’. What a chancer. You know who you are….

Sat 1st July - 1st Life Laundry Day

630am. So the question every morning is, do I let Tess sleep in with me and wake me by jumping on my head or wagging her tail against the bed or do I shut her out and let her wake me by scratching and whining at the door to get in.

For the following week I never did find a satisfactory answer to the above question.

The question every night is, do I kick her out of my bed or share it with her. She snores and farts and takes up more space than I do but if I kick her out she just scratches the door to get back in. She is cosy but dog farts are the worst. At least she doesn’t play ovens.

Then there are the Seagulls. Its not just the hungry squawking as soon as the sun comes up that gets you. They are a real problem. Firstly they are the size of small lightweight airplane. Secondly they are nesting just now so people are being attacked if they go near the nests and small dogs are in danger of being eaten if they go near them. That’s a big problem if you have the three bestest 8 inch guard dogs in your garden. Its also a problem if you are a 5” adult trying to eat breakfast on the patio. They are hungry and want to feed their babies. I wasn’t going to argue with them that’s for sure. I never thought I would be scared of a Seagull! Catapults may come back into fashion soon. I’m really glad guns are still illegal in the UK but these are exceptional circumstances.

In my wisdom I decided to empty my mam’s garage today. Well I’m not quite sure who decided it, but my banking paperwork was at the back so thought I might as well do a clear out. She has had that house since I was 12 and the car has never been in it. In fact I don't think we have ever seen the floor since the day we moved in.

My whole past life is either in the garage, in the trunk at the back of the garage or in the attic. It was time to have a life laundry! Don’t think my Mam planned on having one but she had no choice in the matter.

8 hours later you could see the garage floor, I’d found paperwork I needed for the bank (that’s a whole other chapter..), and the drive was full of stuff for the charity shop or the skip.

And my Mam? Well I didn't chuck her out but she was totally truly traumatized and kept hiding in the greenhouse.

Aching and filthy, time for a shower. Finally, a Saturday night oot in Inverness. Went round to Carolines for cocktails first. Sex on the Beach, just in case I was missing it. Karen was there too. And Carrie and her wee mate were there too but they are not allowed cocktails yet. God if we dressed them up right they could have come round the bars with us! Very scary indeed.

They were too more-ish and we were a bit tipsy before we even went out. .We started off in bars that I used to go to but aren’t called the same now. The first was The Room. I thought it was wicked. Great live band. Girls thought it was too loud so we moved on. Next the Foundry. Sure it was the same people in there last time I was home. It was like a time warp. Then the crème de la crème, the Gellions. If you imagine Waxy’s in about 30 years time you get the picture. We had a coke a cola shot, which no-one, not even the bar tender could tell me what it was. I decided it was petrol. But hey it did the job and we bounced to the next bar, our favourite, Johnny Foxes. Again another good band and surprise surprise our wee pal Coggs was there.

We couldn’t stay long as there is a midnight curfew in the town centre (really!) so if you are not inside a bar or club by midnight you don’t get in. Well I guess they had to do something. Last time I lived at home when you came out of the pubs there were more police about than people. The pubs used to shut at 1230 but they are open til 2 or 3 now. Woo hoo! Lucky me. So at 1130 we skipped over the bridge to my old haunt Barzar. There was a long queue but hey it was only 1130. It moved slowly and we were finally two from the front and 2 mins to 12. I’m too old to chat up the bouncers now. There was a day when no matter how many people were in the queue we had “go straight to the front pass”. Not these days. They closed the doors and we were left screaming and crying in the street. Midnight in Inverness and nowhere to go except across the street to the Glenn which truly is a scary place. We hooked up with a couple of boys we used to know but even safety in numbers didn’t help. I had one dram and wanted to go home. Yep, me, myself, I, actually wanted to go home rather than stay there. Cheesy toast was definitely more appealing than the toothless, beer swilling, pot bellied, black eyed hunies sitting at the bar giving us the once over.

So taxi home and girls dropped me off. Outside mam’s now at 1am. Shit. No key. If I knock on the door the three bestest and scariest 8 inch high guard dogs and Tess will wake up the whole neighbourhood.

But I couldn’t fit in the dog flap so had no choice. I did try.

Well the dogs woke up the whole street but it took a few doorbell rings, knocks with bare knuckles and several phone rings to wake my mother. Few mumbled very very sorries and off to kitchen to satisfy the munchie monster. Stayed up and watched some concert on telly. Dunno what it was but it was brill.

Strange I felt quite sover and not too bad actually.

Fri 30th June - Home again.

Vicki got the plane to Paris. Nice one.

I got the train from Inverurie to Forres. Mmm not quite the same ring to it but hey I was going to see more family I havn't seen for years.

Auntie Fiona & Uncle Ronnie, cousin Kirsteen and bairns Jack and Jamie. It was great to see them again. Especially my Uncle Ronnie who had to have a heart attack to avoid going on holiday just so he could stay at home to see me when I came over.

We went to Brodie for a lovely country-style lunch. Home made soup and scones. Scrummy. I must have put on at least a stone by now. We caught up on all the family gossip and life in general. It was great to see them all again.

Then home to Inverness at night on train. I like trains. I don’t like buses. Staying home with mam for a week.

Yahoo, the same bed every night for a week. Can’t wait.

Thurs 29th June - Aberdeen now!

Off up to Aberdeen to see my pal Vicki’s first home. Bless. We were best buddies for 2 years when she lived here a few years ago and I still miss her. And I don’t miss many people.

I was supposed to stay for a wild weekend for her birthday but her new boyfriend decided to whisk her off to Paris for a few days and I got kicked out on Friday morning! How f’ing selfish is he? What kind of boy decides to take his girlfriend to boring old Paris for her birthday when she is supposed to take her mate out on the pull/piss in the local pub in Ellon?? I tell ya, the boys at home just get worse and worse. Humph.

Mind you, back in my day, the boys in Inverness didn’t even know where Ellon was never mind Paris…..

So we stayed in and had Chinese take away and caught up on the last few years and sorted the world out. Oh happy days. 

Family...

Aww bless, my two Aunties and my Uncle.

Don't recognise the cushion but shure itsh mush be shom other family meamber...

Love Uncle Billies meashures....

Will vishit again soon.

Promish. 

Next on hols?

Then off round to Aunties to meet other cousin Neil. This is Neil and Ruth.

I’m betting that he’s the next out to Dubai. Or maybe Stuart….

So a few drinkies and photo session and then back home as we had another early start.


Other things I’d forgotten about bonny Scotland...

Electricity pylons spoiling the view
Deep 3 inch thick patterned carpets
Central heating
Lupins
Braken
Tights (or stockings!)
Red haired, freckly, blue eyed boys and girls. Lots of them. With burnt white skin.
Scary Scottish accents 

Scottish Beer in Glasgow?

There were lots of acts everywhere and one guy was miming and he was really excellent. He pulled a big crowd and only moved when you put a penny in his pot. Of course I had to put one in and he beckoned me to join him. I was so embarrassed I actually got a beamer!

More shopping and time flew by and we were suddenly very late. Its this daylight thing, it really throws your body clock all out when for the last 6 years its been dark by 630pm. We had to wait for 30 mins for the bus so time for a swiftie in Glasgow Langs hotel to toast the Vampire. SQ asked me for a Scottish beer. I said I only knew of McEwans (is the best beer the best beer the best beer, McEwans…..sorry old habits) and I didn’t think there were any others. She said to ask the barman. Now there was something inside that didn’t feel quite right about a wee Scottish lassie asking a wee Scottish barman for a wee Scottish beer. I said she could have lager or ask herself. She asked. He laughed. They had lager. I had Magners. Sorted.

We were so late we were all scared to call Ruth and tell her. I finally drew the short straw. She couldn’t shout at me too much could she? After all I was the long lost prodigal eldest grand child…..Once we got to Edinburgh we then had to get another bus to Penicuik and we were even later. I wasn’t calling again that’s for sure. SQ is the daughter-n-laws sister, it was her turn.

30 mins of teenage feelings of oh shit we are so in trouble for being late. It was a scream. To top it off we thought the bus was going to catch fire. We were sitting in the back row downstairs on a double decker bus so the engine was just behind us. The noise we could handle. What I couldn’t handle was the fact that my bum was on fire. It started off like a pleasant warming feeling like in a posh car seat. Then that feeling you used to get when you fell asleep with the electic blanket on, you know where you know you should wake up and switch it off but your so cosy so can’t be bothered. But then it started smelling of burning and I was hoping from one cheek to the other.

We actually hoped the bus would catch fire as it would have detracted from our lateness. Obviously it didn’t and we were picked up from the bus by Ruth and whisked home.

Dinner wasn’t in the dog but we had to eat every last drop. I don’t mind a hearty three course good Scottish 5* dinner but the brown mafia were bursting. Bless. Delicious, I love home made Scottish dinners. 

Wed 28th June - Off to Glasgow today

Off to Glasgow today on the bus. I don’t like buses, I like trains. Now SQ doesn’t like buses either. Not because they are dirty and smelly. Coz you can’t play cards on them.

It was spitting rain when we arrived and we needed caffeine so off to Starbucks. It also gave Yvie a chance to have her new daily required fix of Millionaires shortbread. We happily drank coffee and watched a traffic warden give a line of cars in front of us tickets. Stupid idiots served them right, there was a parking meter right there!

Turned out another sunny beautiful day and again lots of sales on Sauchiehall Street. It took us the whole day to get round the shops. I did think before I went that I would fit in some culture and go and see an art gallery, or at least a small exhibition or show, after all, I was supposed to go to art college there straight from school. I lasted one weekend and went back to Inverness and got a dead end office job instead. Oh well, who needs an art degree anyway. And fuck it, the sales were pure dead brill and we weren’t leaving til we were skint. But I must say I was getting very sick and tired of taking my clothes on and off.

And I haven’t said that for a long time.

Family reunion

We had a lovely meal with Ruth and then the family started coming round for the reunion.

I haven’t seen my Auntie Jennifer and Uncle Billy for 10 years but my cousin Amy has been to Dubai before. Met her new fiancé, Jason too. Plus Ruth’s daughter Kay and her daughter Sarah came round. Lovely evening drinking wine in the conservatory and it was still bright til bedtime! Can't get used to this daylight thing til 11pm.

by the way, did you know that some new cars have headlights that go round corners? Seriously, they had a car and the headlights turn corners as you turn the steering wheel. Freaky.

I was sleeping in the wee spare room and the girls were in a double room next door. Bliss, peace and quiet.

Yvie and I hid SQs rubber Nessy and then went to bed. But she was bordering on hysterics and crying herself to sleep without it so Yvie caved and gave it back to her. Wimp.

I had to send the children a text to shut up in case they woke up the Ruth. I promptly got one back saying I was just jealous coz I was all alone.

Yeah right. Snore....

Tues 27th June - Off to Edinburgh

Girls said goodbye to me ma and off we set on the next part of our adventure.

I like trains. I don’t like buses.

We spent the entire journey playing cards. SQ said she wouldn’t stop until she bet us. By the end of the journey I was still up 11 games to 8. I am going to have to let her win next time to shut her up.

We only managed an hour in Edinburgh before we had to catch the bus to Penicuik to stay with Ruth. Of course we waited on the wrong side of Princess street for the bus and then had to do a maniac dash across the street with suitcases in tow to catch it on the other side going the other way.

I won’t say whose fault that was but her initials are SQ.

Urquhart Castle - what's left of it....

There was less of it than I remembered. Urquahart Castle I mean not the Loch.

Just as well I took pictures, if I wait another four years to go home there might be nothing left.

There was a wee boy on the boat with a rubber Nessy. SQ was eyeing him up on the whole trip. Nessy not the wee boy. I had to promise to take her to the souvenir shop to ensure she didn’t pinch it and throw him overboard to get it.



So after an hour in the souvenir shop buying lots of crap to take home to remind us of our day, and of course SQ had to find her rubber Nessy, we then had to rush to the train station to catch our Edinburgh train. 

Still Monday after tea...

We all realized by now that SQ had developed a small obsession with the shaky bridge so there was no way she was going back to Dubai without having walked over it. So my mum took us to an even older and shakier bridge in the Ness Islands. And yes it was very shaky! And amazingly still standing after about 50 years.

More amazingly still standing after the three of us bounced along it to make it shake some more.



The passing dog walkers thought we were on drugs.

We went a walk through the Ness Islands along by the river where we also straddled a Nessy carved from a tree in the woods for about half an hour posing for photos which stretched our poor girlie bits further than mounting our elephant Laxshmi in Sri Lanka did.

Obviously after all the trouble we went to climb it, change places for different shots and get down without breaking our legs guaranteed that none of the photos turned out. 

Tea with Mum & Amy

Once all the money was spent it was food time.

Off to Jimmy Chungs to have tea with Amy.

It’s like Spice Island without the staff in Mexican outfits but every bit as tasty and just as good value.

Amy is a scream. My mum and her are as daft as each other and keep each other sane, or insane, depending what day of the week it is.

Thanks Amy! Delicious. Our shout next time you are in Dubai. 

Mon 26th June - shopping and ice cream

I was dying.

The brown mafia were dying.

But but they put on a brave face for my mum. Sooks.

My mum has seen my hangover face many times before so I didn’t have to try. We were supposed to be going shopping and I was last to drag my ass out of bed to get ready.

Billy Kitchens came round to say hi. Best looking boy in Dores and very funny - for an Invernesian but don’t tell him I said that. SQ and Billy were comparing notes on Goa. SQ for some reason decided that Invernesians were backwards. Billy pointed out that a girl who whooped with delight at the sight of cows and sheep in the fields on the way into Inverness shouldn’t really be judging us Invernesians.

Then he gave us a lift to town. I nearly threw up in his car but don’t tell him I said that either. Got to TK Max and I had to sit outside in the fresh air and miss the bargains. I needed something with magic powers to eat to ease the pain so off to MacDonalds for artificial ice cream. Fab, it worked. It usually does. Ready to shop til we drop now.

Who would have believed I could spend more money in Inverness than London. Bargains everywhere and polite and helpful staff in every shop with no queues.

I kept having to pinch myself to check I was in the same town I left 4 years ago.

Vodka/Magners/Beer scooter still works in Inverness

I just about remembered the way back to my mum’s.

I’ve never had to sneak in with two giggling girls before with the four bestest guard dogs in the neighbourhood. We have only ever had one dog and it was possible to sneak past Tara in the wee hours. My poor mum. No wonder she still calls me the bairn. So we bounce off the walls without a hope in hell of not waking up the entire street and make it to our bedroom.

“Oh my sock, great, I wondered where it had gone” as I swan dived down to pick it up of the floor on the way in. One of the puppies must have stolen it and then dropped it again.

Wrong.

I was now very pissed standing in our bedroom at 330 am with a handful of white dog sick full of grass. My sock was still lost.

SQ & Yvie went into such hysterics I thought SQ was going to have an asthma attack. Once I washed it off without physically throwing up myself I thought the spasms of giggles would never stop.

It was like a stoned giggle fit without the hash.

Pure dead brilliant. No way of telling which one of them did it so no 8 inch wee ass to kick. I guess you had to be there.

My poor mum must have thought she would never get to sleep, we must have talked bollox and giggled for another hour.

Hard to resist

They were all just so charming and their chat up etiquette was mastered to such a fine finesse that I don’t know how we ever managed to tear ourselves away from them at the end of the night.

Ok - we hardly understood a single word they said most of the night.

But we haven’t laughed so much in a long time. Our sides were splitting.

SQ wanted to walk over the shaky bridge to go home. It’s a very old suspension bridge over River Ness. But pissed as we were we were sensible enough to realise that if we made it to the shaky bridge we would probably be stuck in the middle trying to do one moon step forward for every two slow motion suspended mid air non gravitational* moon steps back until we sobered up in the morning. A taxi was needed. I forgot you have to walk to taxi ranks at home and the taxi rank was as far in the other direction as it was home. And try as we might no-one would stop on the street for us.

Anyway, when we finally got there the queue wasn’t too bad but just our luck, of course we got the mad-axe-murderer looking taxi driver to take us home. And now he knows where my mother lives. Scary.

* non gravitational – wicked I didn’t even know that this was a word but it hasn’t come up in my spell check so cool. 

We believe ya son...!

Bless , the poor lad told us he had just split up with his wife and has twins which he doesn’t get to see very often. Shame.

Anyway a good time was had by all.

SQ was really impressed as you can see. 

First nicht oot in Inversnekkie

Then after dinner our first braw bricht moonlit nicht oot in Inverness afterwards.

We went to Hootananies and Johnny Fox’s. Other options in the area were Cactus Jacks or Barzar! Actually Barzar used to be my local so we had one first. It was Sunday and we wanted live music to hooch and tooch too but our first choice of Hootananies had a band of old men who looked like they had risen from the grave to play. We had one dram and left.

Oh did I mention the drams? Two gulps and they are gone. Not much point in having a straw in with the vodka in the half sized glass, its finished before you get your change from the bar man.

Then I discovered Magner’s. Now the first time I asked for cider and they said only Magners I had never heard of it and didn’t want it and had vodka. The second time I said ok lets have a go, but no, don’t be ridiculous of course I didn’t want ice. By the end of the holiday a Magners on ice was a compulsory part of my day. Nice!

Anyway, onto the crack. We left the dead men walking in Hootananies and went to Johnny Foxes where it was jumping. Terrrrific that there is no smoking anywhere, but means a lot of people outside instead of in. Their loss, we had a blast. I love being a no smoker now.

The live band was good crack and we managed to get a booth. Didn’t recognize anyone at first. Then this lad kept walking back and fore our booth. Mmmm sure I recognize him… Finally after the 4th or 5th time he walked by staring over…

I said - Do I know you?
He said - yes, who are you?
I’m Nikki who are you?
Colin.
I don’t know a Colin.
I don’t know a Nikki.
What’s your second name?
Coggs.
AAHHH Coggs, why the hell didn’t you say so! Its Nicola Wilson.
AAAAHHH Nicola, how the fuck are ya? How’s your arse? Stand up! Boys, its Nicola Wilson from school, best arse in school. Stand up!

It all made perfect sense at the time.

So am I pleased to be remembered for my arse in school and not my brains, my amazing personality or art talents? Fucking right I am pleased - apparently I still have it.

Others were remembered as being the prettiest, the brainiest, the nicest etc. Me – perfect arse - every year I was there without fail.

I can think of worse things in life.

Followed by lots of kisses and cuddles and all friends brought over to join us and to look at my arse.

Coggs was a year below me in school with my friend, Caroline. I didn’t remember his name was Colin and it was strange calling him that. And vice versa I was never a Nikki in school, always a Nicola.

Or rather Nicla (the o is dropped in Inversneckie accents).

Sun 25th June - dinner at Kessock Hotel - eventually...

This one should have been before the last one! But bounced.

We went for dinner with Mam to the Kessock Hotel in the evening. It was lovely. We were a wee bit late tho, you know three girls and one shower getting ready. Plus now we each had about 12 new outfits to choose from. So there was a wee problem ordering food at 8pm. Apparently everything runs out by 6pm in Inverness so ordering was interesting and took rather a long time. Mam was passed eating, t-time is 530-6 in Mam’s house. Its that Scorpion thing again. Anyway, in the end we were all pleased what we ordered was finished as what we each ended up with was delicious.

Turns out the landlady had been to Dubai, which SQ thought was very strange since we still crossed the firth by ferry until a few years ago (think about it….). 

Universal Law of Tenfold!

SQ finally got her scampi.

But her new blue bra didn’t help her when she went to the loo and got spooked by the ghost in the toilet next to her and came running back to get Yvie to go with her.

Seriously.

I truly believe in the universal law of ten fold.

One ghost down SQ, nine to go.

Hee hee hee hee. Look behind you….. 

Sun 25th June - the morning after...

Finally managed to get up and tried to get dressed.

Where the hell was my other sock? Oh well I'm sure it will turn up.

We all went shopping to the retail park, me with no socks. Tescos rocks! I miss Tescos. Good food and great clothes! We went to Starbucks for a coffee and Yvie had her first taste of Millionaires shortbread and immediately died and went to heaven.

My mate Caroline was also at Tescos and picked us up and took us to see her new house. Its wicked. Just round the corner from my Mam’s. Would have been handy if I lived there.

Carrie was there, Caroline’s daughter. Fucking hell, she has bigger boobs than me now! And is nearly the same height. I felt very old. But I am the coolest Auntie in the world and no doubt she will be dancing on top of the Boston bar with me one day.

Probably next year.

Still rocking at midnight...

25,000 people dancing til midnight beside Loch Ness to Fat Boy Slim. The man said "Dance Bitch" so we did. And we have t-shirts to prove it.

WICKED!

My brave mum came and collected us late at night on the windy wee road to Dores and a fantastic day was had by all. One of those long days where you got pissed quickly, ate crap, sobered up, got pissed again, ate more and then sobered up just enough to make sure you got home safely and don’t swear about your mum’s driving too much on way home.


Oh I got told off by another 12 year old boy for walking on the wrong side of the barrier on way to meet Mam. Apparently I look like a wifie to the young boys at home.

Funny, most of them try to take me home for a shag over here….. 

Still rocking and raining.....

You can see why the rain didn't really bother us......

And the unusual highlight of the day. Welly boots! I have truly never seen so many welly boots in all my life. There were flowery ones, spotty, stripy, swurly and every colour under the rainbow. I was very jealous. We felt very left out, and cheated that it wasn’t printed on the ticket that they were compulsory.

Oh well there's always next year. 

Rain.....

First time it rained since we got there (obviously) but we were well prepared with our waterproofs so no worries. Wicked day. Very strange - full on dancing in between 25,000 people to Fat Boy Slim looking at Loch Ness and daylight until 11pm. There were hundreds of tents on the hills, thousands of people sleeping in them and shared by millions of midgies.

Fortunately I had remembered to apply my mozzie protection bubble which seemed to work for midgies too. Unfortunately I forgot my neck and got bitten 4 times. 

Sat 23rd June - ROCK NESS

ROCK NESS - woo hoo!

Fat Boy Slim and several other DJs on an all day bender looking out over Loch Ness. Magic.

Mam dropped us off on the banks of Loch Ness at mid-day for the biggest event the Highlands have ever seen.

I was very skeptical they would cope or pull it off. I was very quickly proved wrong. It was truly amazing! 

The three scariest guard dogs in the world ever.....

Fortunately my bed was two mattresses high so I escaped the initial shock of first cold noses, wet kisses and smelly dog breath first thing in the morning. 

Unconditional love

Fabulous to see my mum again, but the most unconditional love initially came from a smaller source.

The wee puppy Jake took a small obsession with me and wouldn’t leave me alone. Guess it was all those votes from Dubai that helped him win the last competition that did it. If he could have got any closer he would have been under my skin. Nice to be unconditionally loved, even if only for one evening. The obsession was forgotten the next day and usual cupboard love replaced the obsession. Still cute though and Mum’s jealous streak gone so that’s a blessing. She’s a Scorpion. Say no more.


Again sleeping arrangements were interesting but possible. We were all in the back room. I was in a single bed and brown mafia in a double bed beside me. Just enough space for the dogs to get in between in the morning at 6am with wagging tails thundering between both bed bases like drums calling from the homeland. 

The funniest highlight of my day...

You know who you are...

Great day out. Only disappointment was missing the front of Buckingham Palace. Thought we would drive by it but we didn’t. We were on and off the bus the whole day so saw everything else.

Back home for a Goan dinner with the Brown Mafia cousins and new baby. Very nice. Again, enough food for a small army.

Early night as off to bonny Scotland tomorrow. Yippee! 

Thurs 22nd June - HOME!

First time home in 4 years. Very exciting. Mum at airport to meet us. Airport bigger than a porta cabin now, it even had windows and a moving luggage carrousel. The fact that it didn’t move didn’t matter, the point is we didn’t have to get our luggage off the plane ourselves this year.

We were knackered after our adventures in the big L so didn’t move at night. Ate good home cooking again and slept with our eyes open in front of telly for few hours to be polite then all crashed.

My mate from home Caroline came round. She was late this year. It took her four hours to visit since I arrived, usually she is there within the hour. She is getting slower, age does that.

The picture is of Inverness Castle. 

Highlight of the Day....

.....getting this photo was not an easy mission. And one which no doubt I will pay for with a thump or nip. Worth it.

You know who you are...

Great day out. Only disappointment was missing the front of Buckingham Palace. Thought we would drive by it but we didn’t. We were on and off the bus the whole day so saw everything else.

Back home for a Goan dinner with the Brown Mafia cousins and new baby. Very nice. Again, enough food for a small army. Early night as off to bonny Scotland tomorrow. Yippee! 

Still in London...

Tower Bridge, Big Ben, London Eye, River cruise, Harrods, blah, blah.

But the best sight was yet to come….. 

Wed 21st June - London Big Bus Tour

Woo hoo, London Big Bus tour today.

Met Yvie at Waterloo then into the big L. We were inside the zone today, so we didn’t need an extension for our train/tube tickets. Don’t ask. All we knew was it saved a lot of explaining to ticket collectors. It was racing day and all the girls were dressed up. We got some good ideas for next year! 

First Impressions

My first underground took me to Oxford Circle. It was quite scary actually. How fucking fast do they go! Seriously. And that’s just the people! Very stressful. Anyway we navigated our way to the shops and could not spend a penny of the money burning a hole in my pocket. Nothing different to buy.

Then off to our show at night, Evita. It was Ok but she was a bit screechy for me. She sounded much better with one finger in your ear. When we came out it was late and we had to find our way back by tube and train to Staines so didn’t chance stopping anywhere for a dram.

We would have been quicker getting home if SQ had proper shoes on…..

Hoping on and off the tube at midnight surrounded by pissed teenagers after an England game we were, to say the least, crapping our pants! I was scared to speak out loud in case they heard my Scottish accent. However, my fears were completely unjustified and we started speaking to a lovely young couple for ages. I didn’t understand a bloody word they said but they were smiling and talking and that was the important thing. We now had friends in London. We were sorted man.

We hopped off the tube and found the train station and hopped on the train to Staines. Hey we were getting the hang of this hopping on and off shit. Ended up in first class and told we were allowed by a smiling man with a Marks & Spencer can of gin and tonic! How cool is that. We must get some of them. Then three more pissed (or whatever mind altering substance was there vice of choice) teenagers got on and they were really scary! But our posh bloke was unruffled so we put out our happy vibes. They were only on a few stops. Phew!

Got in and ate home made chicken corn soup. Yummy. Then SQ, the witch, told me that the room I was in was haunted by a red eyed ghost. She is the meanest Aunt anyone can have. Mental note - I must warn my wee sisters about her. Anyway, the ghost didn’t get me as I was unconscious within 3 seconds of my head hitting the pillow. He would have had to use a real sledge hammer to wake me and not a ghosty one.

New things I learned today about the UK...

I do not understand English accents.
There are no rubbish bins anywhere in case of bombs. Which means if you don’t have a tissue you either have to swallow your old chewing gum or stick it to something on passing.

Tues 20th June - London here we come!

Off to London today. I've never been before and very excited. Well I’ve been in the airport a hundred times but never into town.

So another bus, another very smelly bus. Another bus driver, another very horrid bus driver. SQ and I had seats together at the back but it was so smelly we moved to the front seat which surprisingly was empty. He saw us move. The bus filled up and soon we were ready for off. He turned round and told us we had to move as this seat was reserved for a learner. Idiot. We stomped off to the back and couldn’t get a seat together again. What is wrong with the UK bus drivers? And guess what, our 3 hours journey took 4 ½ hours. Imagine that. A late bus. I don’t like buses, I like trains.

Anyway we got there safely and went to Uncle Joe’s & Auntie Evelyn’s house in Staines where we were staying. Lovely couple and more scrummy food served than at a 5* hotel buffet.

Then we went and picked up Yvie and London here we come!!!!

And its still Sunday....

This is a photo from yesterday.

Today is portrait day. Monday. Not Sunday, Monday. So that means that the photo that is in yesterday was taken today, Monday, as we didn’t have one of us all together on Sunday. Well Rue does but she hasn’t sent them yet….

Have you caught up yet?

Oh for goodness sake, ok let's pretend its still Sunday 18th.

By the way, I am wearing Rowena’s dress…. Never did manage to get out of the pub yesterday and back to the shops to buy one….

Everyone liked it anyway and Jim loved the dress. There was a moment in the garden when I was walking past one of the garden chairs the dress caught it and every button down the front popped opened. Full on 5 second flash. I couldn’t do it again if you paid me a million pounds. Fortunately I think Jim had just one over the legal limit by then and retinal reactions were slow and blurred. He then had to have several after too to recover from the shock.

So family, food, fun, drinks, dancing and dishes. And more dishes. And more. Great day had by all.

Definitely slept soundly that night, even through Fleur’s farts & SQ’s snores. 

Daddy's Day!

So after Katrina had her fuss it was Dad’s turn for fuss for Daddy’s Day. Of course the eldest dotty wotty in true fashion had to write the getting-to-be-obligatory-poem but hey it was fun.

So we all sang happy Father’s Day Daddy to the tune of Happy Birthday and then I read my poem out in true Scottish prose style….



For Father’s Day this year dear old Dad,
We decided to end the myth that you had.
That your fantastic four could never be,
Altogether at one time in the same country.

So surprise surprise look who it is.
Yer eldest dotty wotty in town – gee whiz!
Yer second rat bag keeping the word with mum,
And yer two wee wans also in on the fun.

We hope the love & hugs coming your way,
Makes this a very special Father’s Day.
The Wilson’s family photo was well overdue,
And now we are all together – the beer is on you!